HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
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Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Carpe DM
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.