Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
You Might Also Like
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer