(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
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draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Running from your problems is cardio .
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?