If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
You Might Also Like
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
The booster protects against what, now?
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Kids, do not try this at home!
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?