ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
You Might Also Like
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet