I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
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scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too