[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
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Still writing HBO Max on my checks
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
lol
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
notice
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie