HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
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In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Was it something I said?
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*