If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
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AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one