The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
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*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
car not found
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
don’t be scared