There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
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me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?