I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
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Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Lmao
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Finally, a door that understands me
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working