I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
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He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.