Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
You Might Also Like
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.