Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
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7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.