I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
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Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears