“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
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I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
is it earth
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.