“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
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Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Found the job I’m suited for
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.