SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
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[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.