Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
You Might Also Like
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
A drum solo but on your face.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule