You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
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Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.