I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
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She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster