“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
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I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
This why you should mind your business
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.