[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
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Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.