Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
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Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea