Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
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Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Nice try Hitler