What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
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A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Yup
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
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*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?