‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
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Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.