I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
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You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong