Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
You Might Also Like
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
No regrets in 2018
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.