She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
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Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all