Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
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Me irl
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Doggies just call it style.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.