Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
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The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room