*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
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I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper