You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
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“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
He is just living hist best little life 😊
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.