is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
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Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
me, after any kind of buffet.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
August 8
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.