Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
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GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Every house has this drawer
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.