I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
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Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.