I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
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Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Lmao the reply
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink