doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
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Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit