If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
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How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
What the dentist sees
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”