I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
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Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
This made me chuckle cuz mood