it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
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“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.