[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
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I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
🤔😂😂
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air