Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
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*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.