Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
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kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Meeeee too!
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.