A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
You Might Also Like
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Here’s a meme
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*