“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
You Might Also Like
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.