Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
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If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Holy moly
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.