Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
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I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.